But here we go.
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| Love or Lust? |
When people think of Love, then tend to think of this stereotype:
Love actually has been dissected and renamed a billion times over. I mean, the Beatles declared: "All you need is Love!" Then their generation screamed; "Make Love not War!" The question is, are they talking about the same Love? Or something else entirely?
The Greeks actually had 4 types of Love:
Agape: which is unconditional love. This love is not about attraction or even if you like the way the person behaves. This love is the kind that gives, expecting nothing in return. It isn't even romantic, but more about service and acceptance of a person for who they are. This is Love as a verb. It is a choice and active. It also commits with loyalty.
Philia: This is platonic love. Platonic love is akin to friendship. It is warm, kind and committed. It is nurtured by commonality. It is also chosen.
Storge: This is familial love, or the kind of love parents have for children (and well-adjusted brothers and sisters have for one another). It is committed and like agape, and sacrifices self for others.
Eros: This is romantic love. This is the 'in love' feeling people tend to think they must have for a relationship. It is also more selfish of a love, as it asks, "What's in it for me?" This one is hormonal and, yes, sexually based.
But there are other definitions of Love out there.
One site lists 2 more:
Ludus: which is game-playing, or uncommitted love. It is the kind of love Greek Gods messed with, I'm afraid. This is the kind of person who seeks conquest...the focus being all lust.
Mania: And obsessive, possessive love. This is the kind of so-called love that leads to stalking. This is Sting's "Every Breath You Take" down to the freaky idea.
And two more from another site:
Pragma: Described as long-standing love. This is the love in long-term married couples. It has the weight of time set to it, with a longer bond.
Philautia: Love of the self. Not to be mistaken with Narcissism. More like self-compassion, according to the site.
So, anyway, what does this have to do with Love vs. Lust?
One simple question....
Why the blazes are we following the Greeks?
I know. I know. Silly protest.
But really, isn't the world full of smart people from lots of different nations? The world is a big place.
And for that matter, were the Greeks even right? I mean, people today follow this because the Greeks did identify patterns which made some sense. But believing something simply because we always have believed it isn't the most intelligent thing to do.
So, this is what I think.
Love, real love, is about giving. It is about helping. It is about nurturing and caring. It is about all that is good and right with the world. It is about growth and happiness. Love is patient. Love takes its time to see and learn. Love is kind. Love seeks to improve. Love gives freedom. Love can be personified in the song: "Where Love is, There God is Also". It is described best in the Bible scripture 1 Corinthians in chapter 13.
Lust is about taking. It is selfish. It is about gratification at whatever cost. Lust is almost manic. Like an addiction. It is impatient, and demanding. It says "show me", "prove to me", "What about me?" Me. Me. Me. It is combative. It is controlling. Lust ignores the feelings of others. Lust is violent, demanding, and in the end, destructive. It is personified in most songs today. But the concept isn't new. I mean, how many 80's songs are focused on lust? "I Think We're Alone Now" is a good example. There are others more blatant: "If You Want My Body", "Rump Shaker", and "Any Way You Want It."
And how many love songs say that Love is like war? For example: "Love is a Battlefield".
And what about this oldie? "Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?"
Is this really about love, or the word Love used to get sex from someone?
Love is not about what turns you on. That's Lust.
So, if you want to know if your relationship is based off of Love or Lust, ask yourself the following:
"Do I have to prove my love to my significant other?"
"Am I pressured to go against my conscience by my significant other?"
"Are we just in it for fun?"
If Yes, then it is NOT love. It is Lust.
Love requires accepting people for who they are. If you have to prove yourself, then...well... you are being used.
Ok, Next Question:
"Do I strive to be a better person when I am with my significant other?"
"Do I wish to give my 100% to my significant other, even though I know I may never get anything in return?"
"Do I allow my significant other the freedom to control their own lives and choices?"
If Yes, then it is real love. Real love lifts up and is not controlling.
Love is risk. It is vulnerable. It also makes no demands, but goes to work with the best intentions. It also requires personal sacrifice and commitment, which you choose to do. Love is a bit like a dance, awkward and goofy sometimes. Graceful and beautiful at other times.
This clip shows different views on love and relationships. I like the awkwardness of it. Especially the respect in it. But the phrase: "Love is a leap" sticks out to me.
Unfortunately, in a world that sexualizes everything, it has become hard for many of us to tell the difference between real love and lust. This is why there is so much divorce in the world. People seek pleasure and satisfaction for themselves and are not seeking the benefit of the one they have become infatuated with.
Fact is, true love takes selfless effort. And in our self-centered world, it seems like a fairytale, just like Meg Ryan's character says.
But I think anything real takes selfless effort.
The Greeks may have had some things right. I think there is nothing wrong with Eros as long as Agape is present. And, if you notice that 5 out of the 7 listed kinds of loves focus on kindness and gentleness.
But Eros with Ludus or Mania is downright scary. That is Lust. Not Love. That is the counterfeit.
I think the best test of love is this: "Will it last?"
Real love takes effort, and lasts because it is a contentious choice. It is NOT something you fall into. It is made by willing participants who, when upon seeing more and learning more about their significant others, are willing to see less. They are also willing to care less about the petty differences, petty wants, and petty arguments. And they are more willing to forgive and improve self before making demands on others.
Ok, one last thing....
As for sex... I once heard this analogy in a college course on healthy loving relationships I once attended:
Sex is like the whipped topping on top of the ice cream sundae of a happy marriage. That said, an ice cream sundae made only of whipped topping is fluff...and kinda gross. Likewise with relationships. All the really good stuff is missing. So, in a way, Love is the ice cream, spiced up with chocolate of personal intimacy (such as really knowing someone rather than just their body), the nuts of daily practical life, with the caramel of sweet weirdness (or what have you... I like weirdness), and the strawberry topping of stick-to-it-iveness. You can add a banana for your health, if you want.
The point is, we, as a people, need to stop thinking about "Satisfy ME, ME, ME!!!", and start asking ourselves, "Am I willing to change myself for the better to make my relationships healthy?" And "Am I willing to wait for a person who will respect me as a human being?"
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